Danni Andrew

My ah ha Moment!



Posted: Sunday, July 25, 2010

by Danni Andrew
Out of the Darkness

My life is spent caring for others. Not in the sense of "I care what happens to you", it is the actual, physical side of taking care of anothers needs. One who cannot care for themselves. You see, my Papa has Multiple Sclerosis and can only move his head. He requires 100% care, 24 hours a day and my mom is 78 years old and a Brittle Diabetic. Her blood sugar can drop or soar with no prior warnings. I know from personal experience how hard care-giving is. It is not the physical exertion that destroys you, it is the emotional. The fear of being the one who finds your loved one either near death, or even possibly dead and there is nothing you can do about it. The stress is huge and the end is inevitable.

I started this as an email and titled it my "ah ha" moment. I was watching a TV program recently and it hit me that I had found the answer to the question that has been nagging me for many years. Nine years ago I had a dream. A dream that took place while I was wide awake. In that dream I was tied up and a total mess. I begged God to help me and He reached down and loosed the bonds that kept me down. I got up, jumping up and down and was ecstatic about getting free of what kept me down. In the dream I got on my knees and thanked God for what He had done for me.

In 1995 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, a disorder that had ruled my life. Keeping me down and keeping me from enjoying my life. It is a devastating illness that has led to other health problems and mountains of doctor visits and medications. Early in 2009, I went off of allot of those medications. I was on thirteen different prescriptions and it was destroying me. I could no longer function, I was incontinent, in pain constantly and very much over weight.

I went off the medication against every word I have ever written about the subject. Those words always said, "NEVER go off of medication without consulting your doctor"! I had no choice but to get off the medication. I couldn't afford it anymore. Now, months later, I am almost fifty-five pounds lighter, and in a better place than I have ever been before. I like who I see in my mirror and I am very glad of it. I now take only over the counter medications for pain as I am havnig dental work done!

In the last year I had to pre-plan my parents funerals, pay off some of their bills, help my best friend bury her sister, try to help my son get his grades up and help plan thanksgiving dinner for about forty people. I could not stand that kind of stress a year ago. It would have put me in bed for a month. And, I am still on my feet.

Society states that we must be part of a "we" to be whole! Then it finally hit me, my "ah ha" moment that this is not the end of my story. This is not where the end of the book I've been writing should be. It is not where I meet Mr. Wonderful and we get married and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. NO! I am just fine with ME! Where I am and who I am. It is not about ME finding the RIGHT man, it is about ME finding ME!!!! Loving me and looking in the mirror and liking who I see. I am not doing this for anyone else but ME..and God!! The truth of the matter is....marriage scares me to death.

I know there are those who question this type of attitude but if you really think about it you know that it is about me and how "I" live MY life. It is how I perceive myself, that determines the direction of my life. The grand finale is not finding the right man for my life. It's about being the right woman! FOR MYSELF, and FOR GOD! My life is mine and what I make it is my gift to give back. To others, and to God. Thanking God for dragging me out of the pits of hell only to set my feet on solid ground.

This is my ah ha moment. That moment when I finally realized it's about loving myself for who I am. Forgiving myself for things I have done and didn't do. It's about living my life, putting God first, knowing that my family is important, but looking in the mirror and liking myself and letting go of all of the hurt that has controlled my life for so long!

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! I am the one who has to walk down a different road and meet life head on. Loving every minute of it! My life is my own, and I can't wait to get on with it. I am working on my book, helping others where I can and, most of all, spending time with God.

I believe that somewhere down the road I will probably meet someone that is important to me and wants to be part of my life. But, I need to stand on my own two feet, lift my head high, and be proud of who I am because God made me, and in the words of Susan Boyle, I am who I was born to be. Go out, live your life the way God wants you to live it. Live up to who HE wants you to be. And the rest will fall into place. "This is the day that God has made, ..." for me! I have cleaned out my life, thrown out what doesn't work and have a fresh way of looking at things. It's up to me, what do I want from life and how am I going to get it! It's up to YOU, what do you want from life, and how are you going to get it?

Life is a blank sheet of paper, it is a blank canvas. What are you going to write on that paper and what picture are you going to paint? What story will you write? Let go of feeling guilty about your life. If it's not working, change it! Life is what you make it. In the infamous words of my Mother, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with it. Don't wallow in the pain of your past. You cannot change it. But, you can change your future! And this is my "ah ha" moment!

(c)copyright 2010 danni andrew
Danni Andrew has lived in Northwest, New Mexico since 1970. She is a writer, artist and a costume designer in her spare time. She likes to paint the Southwest landscape as well as animals and birds in the area. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 1995 and has learned to live with this illness in such a way that it is now much more peaceful. She has lived with depression most of her life and has learned the value of diet and exercise in managing this illness, as well as keeping in touch with her Savior Jesus Christ! Danni is the youngest of four children.
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