Danni Andrew

The Final Battle



Posted: Thursday, September 23, 2010

by Danni Andrew
Out of the Darkness

This may be the last battle I fight. Chances are it is not! I must face the battles that rage within my heart and soul. I must come to an understanding of who I am, and what I stand for. My life is mine. What goes on around me is only a small part of that life. It is up to me to make it what it is. Or what it is not. It is my decision to allow the pain within my heart to rule my life. Or to stand up and say,"it's enough"!

For many years I have lived my life dancing to someone else's tune. Borrowing drums and music that were not my own and trying to make them mine. The tunes fade in the distance and I step on the stage. I lift the baton that controls "MY" life! I write the music that is mine and the words come slowly at first. Words that come haltingly, slowly they build to an ultimate crescendo.

The doubts that flood my mind are only there because they are allowed to be there. The thoughts that come to me and do battle with my head and my heart are unwelcome players in my band. They can no longer rule my life. I will not let them.

I know who the players are, and they are not my friends. They disguise themselves and pretend to be, but they are not. The words that torment my heart come from old songs that are no longer sung. Words that were said to me years ago have continued to remind me of what was said. Those words are lies. They are not true. The children who called me names have since gone on to bigger and better things. The fears that envelope my heart come from old issues. Worries that are no longer mine.

It is up to me to decide what belongs here and what I need to get rid of. Every time the self doubt creeps into my brain and tells me once again that I am a lost cause. Then, I must stand up and call a lie, a lie. I am not a lost cause. I am a worthwhile human being and my life is my own. My life is what I make of it, and I am the only one who can make those decisions. It is up to me!

And so I pick myself up, and place my feet on solid ground. The illness didn't win. The medication didn't win either. So am I to allow yet another illness to take me off of the track that my life is on? I think not! When the thoughts enter my brain that bring me down. I must stop them, call them what they are and move on.

No one is going to give me what I need. A battle fought by another is not easily remembered. It is the battles that I fight on my own, and with God's help, they are the ones that keep me on my feet. The battles that I remember are the battles that have kept me on my feet. It is doing the work myself that reminds me of a hard won fight. It is not letting life get me down to the point that I lose focus of what is important to me. And what is most important to me is that I am who God intended me to be. Not some puppet who lives life according to another's rules. If I hide and allow someone else to fight those battles for me, then I will not learn the lessons that are most important to me.

I stand with my right hand firmly grasping what the Lord has promised, and the other hand reaching for the heavens. Only God can save me. He has given me the tools to make my life better and it is up to me to use them. To not use them, and to go back to the whiney little girl I once was would be a travesty. It is up to me to male the right decisions. And when I don't know what that decision is, it is up to me to get on my knee's at the foot of the cross. To pray as I have never prayed before, and to give that control of my life which I hang ont, over to God. Because God is the answer to all of my problems. When I try to control things, I fail. When I let God control my life. I succeed!

Danni Andrew (c)copyright 2010
Danni Andrew has lived in Northwest, New Mexico since 1970. She is a writer, artist and a costume designer in her spare time. She likes to paint the Southwest landscape as well as animals and birds in the area. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 1995 and has learned to live with this illness in such a way that it is now much more peaceful. She has lived with depression most of her life and has learned the value of diet and exercise in managing this illness, as well as keeping in touch with her Savior Jesus Christ! Danni is the youngest of four children.
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