The Thorn In My Side
Posted: Sunday, November 07, 2010
by Danni Andrew
Out of the Darkness
My road to recovery has often been rocky. My own agenda superceds rationality at times and my mind occasionally plays tricks on me even today. Without medication to cloud or control my thoughts I am at my own mercy to search out the truth and implement it. My grasp on reality is largely controlled by the amount of sleep I get and how close my contact is with God.
Although these times are further in between and do not happen near as often as they once did I fear that the effects are more devasting today than in years past. It is the realization that I am not bullet proof that disarms me. My desire to become self-reliant and once again a productive member of society sometimes overwhelms my need to continue on this path to recovery. My goals to prove that I am ok and my life has meaning brings me to my knees and once again I find myself at the mercy of this devastating illness.
My desire to be fully rid of the effects of this illness bring me to decisions that are not the best for me. Working full time and achieving financial freedom elude me and once again I find myself merely gasping for air. My credit score no longer the most important agenda of the day. Merely surviving has taken over the need to right.
My thoughts slow and once again I seek out the core value of my life. Wishing to be normal beyond anything that I can think of. I try too hard to prove my worth in my own eyes and in the eyes of those around me. Wanting to be that perfect person a goal that somehow remains out of reach. My own assessments of my value are usually tarnished and cannot be relied upon as accurate measurements of true value and I fear that once again my episodes will drive those dearest to me to the very shadows of my life.
I must find myself solace within the arms of Jesus and know that no matter what happens. He has not forsaken me. No matter how many times I slip down the slope and crash to the bottom it is His arms that reach down and pick me up again. God is my protector. No man or woman can save me from my own personal hell. My value is strong, even with the battles that rage within my soul. Paul spoke of the thorn in his side and prayed that if relieving his life of this thorn would draw him away from Jesus that he would forever have that thorn. I understand that prayer clearly.
Things are only things and they tarnish and dissapear. People are important and we love them, but I cannot base my life on the love of another. My value is real and my life of some importance in this scheme of things. I cannot understand fully the role that my life plays on this planet. Yet, knowing that this life has touched a few others only brings me to some sort of acceptance. I fear that if my thoughts were to be truly known it would not be so. Yet, at the same time. The words I speak on my own rarely have much meaning. It is the words that come through my own pain while crying out to God. Those are the words that move others.
My life is one of value. Beauty in the eyes of the beholder because many times I cannot see it on my own. I only see the pain and the hurt within. I see the tragedy and at times cannot see the triumph. The triumph comes from God's work in my life. His willingness to continue to pick up my life as only He can.
I cannot solve my problems. Medication cannot solve my problems either. It is only when I reach up to Him and say "Lord, I can't do it anymore. Please help me"! He reaches down his loving hand draws me to his heart. My life is nothing if I base it on the love of another human being. It only has value when it is based on God's love and acceptance alone. My life can enhance anothers and bring value as well. But, without God in it. I will only continue to do the same things over and over. Walking down the same road, seeing the same things and doing the same things. I wish for that different road.
To remove the thorn in my side would be something to desire. Yet, at the same time. If I were to no longer have to watch what I eat, get good exercise and stay in contact with m God. Would I then fall away from the very source of my strength. I think I would. What would become of me then? If I were to forge my path in a new direction. Making good money and not focuing on the role God has played in my life. What then? I fear that the true meaning of my life would be lost forever.
I am not perfect. I stumble, and I fall. My life is a struggle at times and I fear that this struggle will continue. And anyone who shares my life will share the struggle. Who out there is willing to share that struggle with me? I am very aware that no human being may wish for that much of me. And frankly, I do not blame them. It doesn't mean I am bad. It just means that at times my cross is heavy and my burden is strong. The only one who can walk it with me all the time is Jesus!
Am I to be alone the rest of my life? Perhaps. Yet I am never totally alone. My God is my best friend. He will never let me down. I will give him the thorn in my side and I will walk daily with it. If God chose to rid me of this thorn totally, then that is his choice. Chances are He will not. My good days are very good. I am thankful for each and every one of them. But, the bad days come now and then. Those are the thorns in my side. Thankifully they come fewer and further in between. I thank God for that too.
Perhaps my recovery is not to be a full recovery. I am very aware of that. To say that totally overcoming this illness is possible. Well, maybe! But, living successfully with it is possible. No life is perfect and every life has value. I will take that and live my life to the fullest I know how. Am I settling? I think not! You have to learn to live with what you are given. If striving for perfection destroys what I have found, then perhaps I should simply enjoy what I have found! I must take the good with the bad. I hope and pray that those around me can learn to live with the thorn in my side as well. More than ever, I pray that the thorn in my side can be controlled enough that I see it coming before it gets to be too big of a problem.
Is this acceptance? Is this the point I must reach before I can truly find peace within my heart. I think it has much to do with it. To continue to fight the inevitable, only prolongs reaching the same destination. I am exhausted and the fight is gone from my soul. And perhaps, that is a good thing.
danni andrew
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