It's All About Me
Posted: Thursday, October 20, 2011
by Danni Andrew
Out of the Darkness
It’s All About ME!
The familiar lump rose in my throat as old feelings washed over me. It was 2:00 AM, and my footsteps quickened as my broken heart beat faster. The car in the drive was the one I had been waiting for most of the evening. I jumped again as he fumbled his keys in the lock. Quietly I crawled into bed and pretended to be asleep. I never knew if he would be crying and apologetic, or angry over something. I had no idea what it would be this time.
Trying desperately to keep my breathing even as to appear deep in slumber, my beating heart was not going to let me. I feared that at any moment I would jump up and scream at him. How could he not know how I felt about his “nights out” with the boys? How could he not know how hurt I was? I never knew if he would make it home safe, or if he would be in an accident that would hurt or kill him, or someone else. Neither did I know if his drunken escapades included the company of another woman.
It was one such fateful day that I found the letters in his car. Letters that told, in great detail, of darkened rooms and the activities that came to the writers memory. It became very clear to me at that moment that my husband had cheated on me at least once. A part of me died that day and while my trust was never great with this man, it all came crashing down around me.
With it a myriad of emotions welled up deep within me. While I tried to focus on the day to day lives of my children, as well as house-work that needed my attention, I could not contain my anger any longer. Many things came to my memory and I was certain that every late night my husband had come home, and every time he failed to look me in the eye were clues that he had cheated many times before. While I had no proof of such things, the stories built within my heart and mind began to drive me crazy.
I created scenarios within my own mind that only I could understand. My anger and hurt built walls around me that were not to be broken down. By the time I confronted him with these letters, that I now had in my own possession, I could not think clearly. His adamant denial of all things I knew to be true, only fueled the fires that burned deep within my soul. Within those letters there had been a phone number, and as most any woman in such pain would, I dialed that number and confronted the voice on the other end of the line. I knew the story before ever bringing it up to my wayward husband. The woman on the other end of the phone apologized profusely and promised to stop all contact with him. I am pretty certain that she kept her promise. She told me that she did not know he was married, and I had no reason not to believe her.
It is in moments such as this that imprints were made on my brain, and mistrust of the opposite sex was born. Every man that looked the wrong direction, shifted his feet or looked at another woman for more than a split second became a question in my mind. Was he cheating? Who was that woman, and how did he know her? I had created this in my own mind, regardless of the fact that I had good reason not to trust my ex-husband, I perpetuated the problem on a continual basis. While I rarely said much about it to anyone, I made myself sick worrying.
Anger builds on such instances as this, and while I had good reason to be angry, I had no reason to assume that every man I met would treat me the same way. Or would I? It is a proven fact in counseling circles that someone who chooses this type of person is much more likely to end up with the same type of person again. It is my responsibility to change the way I think, and how I react to instances such as this. I am the only one who is responsible for how I think, feel, and the reactions that go through my heart and mind. No one can change me, except me! I cannot change another person’s thoughts or actions any more than I can change the stripes on a Zebra.
It is up to me to decide if I react to a situation, or I act on what I know to be truth. The thoughts that rattle through my brain are not always those of the most sane person. My perceptions of a situation vary depending on my upbringing and things that have happened in my life. Thoughts become skewed because of things that have happened in my life. My assumption that all men cheat was based on the fact that my ex-husband cheated on me! The words, ALL, ALWAYS, and EVERY assume that the situation is the same all the time. This is not true. Each person is different, and every situation brings with it variables that change. No one person is the same as another.
If I have caught my husband cheating, one, two, three or mores times, I can assume that if he is acting the same way as he did the other three times. Chances are he is cheating again! On the other hand, what in the world am I still doing with this man, if I have caught him cheating that many times? As the old saying goes, do me wrong once, shame on you. Do me wrong twice, and shame on ME!
There is an old saying that goes something like this, “if nothing changes, then nothing changes”! That goes right along with the story of the girl who walked down the street one day, she came across a hole in the street. She fell into that hole and it took her a long time to get out of it. The next day she walked down the same street, and she fell in the hole again. She knew what to do and she got out of the hole faster this time. On the third day, the girl walked down the street again, she saw the hole and once again, she fell into the hole. But, she knew what to do so she got out of the hole quickly this time. On the fourth day, she walked down the street again, she saw the hole and walked around the hole. On the fifth day, she walked down a different street!
If you keep doing the same things over and over again, you will keep getting the same results! The answer is simple. Just walk down a different street! Do something different. If it is not working, then fix it! While these things may sound simple on paper they are not always as easy to do. It is up to you and I to seek out the books to read, the Pastor to speak to or to go and find a good psychologist or therapist who has the answers.
You may need to simply change the people you hang out with. If you have known someone since kindergarten, and you typically get into trouble with that person, well, then, it’s time to find new friends. If you get into trouble while drinking or doing drugs, then do whatever it takes to stop! If it is not working, then find a way to fix it!
I did not learn anything when people gave me money to get me out of the financial mess I was in, nor did I learn how to clean house by someone coming and doing it for me! The best lesson’s I learned were not the ones where someone held my hand and babied me. No, the lessons I learned the most were the ones that were the hardest on me. I learned not to write hot checks from the inside of a jail cell. I learned to clean up my house and make my kids a priority as I sank to the floor sobbing when Child Protective Services took my kids away from me.
Does it make sense to stretch life to the extremes that one must learn these lessons the hard way every time? Wise is the woman who learns a good lesson by watching another persons struggle! I do not recommend that anyone push the envelope until the worst things happen. I think it is much smarter to look around me and identify those areas of my life that are not working, and do something about them before they reach the extremes. If you cannot learn under these conditions, assume that you will eventually learn the hard way. That in itself is yet another form of education. Some of us just have to learn the hard way.
Society says that if I truly love someone, I must do anything and everything to keep that person from being hurt. This is not true. If the person I love is doing destructive things to themselves, and I am the one who continues to bail them out of trouble. Then, this is called co-dependant behavior on my part. A woman wrote to me one day. Her daughter had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. She had written many hot checks in her time, and the bank was threatening to send her to jail for it. I do not think that someone should do hard time for every crime. But, I am a firm believer in consequences. If a child grows up thinking that Mommy and Daddy are going to bail him out of every little bit of trouble he get’s into, this is the type of life he is going to lead. The Bible says, “ Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.” Proverbs 22:15. I do not believe in beating a child, but discipline done in the right way will do a child more good than letting them do whatever they want to do. It is the same with adults. Many adults have not learned self-discipline. “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
Anger is the response to another emotion. Fear, pain and frustration typically end up making me angry. Anger brings pain to my head, quickening of the heartbeat and clouded thinking. I believe that there is a third component to Bipolar Disorder, and I call it “black mania”. Mania is typically the high side where you feel the euphoria, and the low side is the depressed state. Anger can set in so quickly that you do not even see it coming. I know that when my mood shifts to anger in a split second, it is not a good thing. I will do and say things that I would not typically. My anger is not rational, nor is it productive.
My Mother used to say, “Be angry and sin not”. “ BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger,” Ephesians 4:26. There are times when anger is a good thing, and there are times when anger is the root of all evil. When I get that angry, that quick, it is best to just shut up!
This is the problem with so many marriages and relationships. Just because a thought goes across my brain, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it needs to come out my mouth. I am a firm believer in speaking my mind. I believe that a person should have a voice. Too many times when that voice is angry, the words that come out of my mouth are not kind or uplifting. They are the ones that do the most damage. Words that do not need to be said, and cannot be taken back.
It is up to me to learn to recognize the behaviors that cause me problems in my life. It is up to me to seek out the kind of counseling that is necessary to deal with the issues that plague my life. My life will not change for the better, until “I” take the responsibility of how it is being lived. No one can make me angry! No one can make me do anything I do not want to do. I can be coerced or have a gun put to my head, but it is up to me to decide. I am the only person who knows what I can, and cannot put up with.
There are extreme cases where a person is in an abusive situation and may not have the ability to decide. I am not speaking of those people. I am speaking of the ones who take the path that doesn’t work. I know it doesn’t work because I have tried it!
This is the come here, go away theory. When I was married to my second husband, we would fight. I would get mad and go to my Mom’s or my sisters and he would come looking for me. If he didn’t come looking for me right away, or soon thereafter, I would call him. I would think up some reason to contact him. I couldn’t stand to be with him, but I couldn’t stand to be without him either. He was not a good husband, and I was not a good wife either. But, he was MY husband and it was better than being alone. !
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)You have truly laid down a record of thoughtfulness and excellent self analysis and perspective. You have done a great job of being candid. I am not sure that I could write a letter/article like this. I am very impressed with you and your heart. Be proud and try not to let the dark parts of life scatter the light.
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